I did it! I applied to said theater festival. Took some time to make an outline & game plan, and am most of the way through a rough draft at the moment. Lets hope I don't lose steam on this one too, but i have a few months before i actually get started so I have plenty of time to take breaks and come back and re-work things and talk to friends.

Why is working in theater so hard and also expensive.

Also. Why doesn't Instagram let me do anything from desktop? Like this is seriously obnoxious. I can't post or share to my story. Or archive posts. ??? Come on Instagram why is this unuseable. At least on Facebook I could post something to my story even if I can't edit it. What's the fucking point. (The point is they want me to get the app again)

The JATCCH shrine is getting a re-do since I'm thinking about it again. I'll probably be even more excited about it if I watch the movie again, but we don't have plans yet. The issue is, anywhere I can find it streaming it only has the english dub. I don't want to watch the stupid english dub, I want to watch the original french. And I do have a pirate link for the french version, but it doesn't have subtitles. and I know it well enough to not need them, I've seen the movie a dozen times and read the book anyway, but if I want to watch it with anyone besides myself and my partner, we're stuck. kinda the same with the soundtrack, and the play. there either isn't an english version or it sucks.

They should come do a US tour. Or at least Canada. I know how people feel now when US bands don't tour worldwide.

Anyway I love Cuckoo-Clock Heart. Such a dramatic, flowery, and earnest piece of media. You have to take it seriously bc of just how much the creators are in love with it, even if it's so silly. I really want to do a stage version of it sometime, there is a play but it only incorporates a couple of the songs, the ones that are diegetic to the plot. I want a Chicago-style plot within a performance pls, I want to blur the edges of rock concert and musical. it would be so fun. the original album slaps i want to see it onstage. at least translate the french stage play. pretty please.

Why is theater so EXPENSIVE. AND I gotta get permission. or buy the rights or whatever

And as much as I love webmastery, it's not going to be my thing. this is my replacement for social media, but it can't replace my actual projects. i need to do stuff with my HANDS. with PEOPLE who are in FRONT of me. this is just. the thing I do when i can't do that. or when i like to write things down. its a balance but it can't compare to actually doing stuff. and unfortunately that doing stuff costs more than sitting at home on my computer all day.

It's cold here by the windows

Good day yesterday. Bought some treats at the gas station and they offered me the same ones, two days expired, from by the counter. for free. I said yes. they were packaged, i dont care. second thing. got spam musubi at the Hawiian resturant with my friend, they messed up cutting the first one so we got an extra half. also very good. free food is always good. had a drink at lunch, was fine by rehearsal but as soon as it was over and i was tired my legs started getting all wobbly again.

I'm trying so hard to tell myself that my bosses don't hate me, they're just busy right now, frustrated with their new shows they're working on. and then maybe i'll have more to do once they, too, have the time to slow down and work on side projects. i just want to get hired to paint and sew more, that was so calming and i was making good money. shows are fun but i'd much rather do the monotonous work, save my show energy for my own projects.

And get paid.

While waiting for THAT, i've decided to do more good turns with my energy, ya know? volunterring more with people I know who run theaters. i've got a couple volunterr usher slots lined up when i can fit them around my actual show. feels good. and i get a little something in return so i don't feel like i'm waisting my time. not that volunterring should get you something in return but. i'm broke. so i'll gladly do some work for non money rewards like seeing shows and getting free shit. or even just becoming closer with people.

I'm so fucking mad at the world for being so mean and tough. I understand Job Clown Bible now. You toss me about in the roar of the storm. I desire to argue my case with God. Gonna punch her in the fucking face.

I know I'm the tech but it feels unfair to make the person who rides the bus do the laundry after the show.

Dave Malloy was so right. God is hiding under those 88 keys and if you pound, of you don't approach the piano like a priest the communion table, you risk damning your soul and the souls of those around you. But he was also fucking wrong like, kinda a pretentious prick. Bitterly looking down at those who came to the jazz club to chat with friends. And besides, aren't half his best songs pounded out on the keys? Grendel's Death, anyone?

My phone died while I was doing laundry so I had to "rough it" that is, navigating the bus system alone. Ran up just as the trolley was pulling up so i could check the screen. i have two options, a west route and an east route. west route: one bus, 30 minutes, 9 minutes of that is the walk from the stop to my house but it's still my go-to both ways. east route. trolley and a different bus, usually a little longer but it's less walking, drops me off two blocks from my door. issue is i don't like transfers if i can help it. but in this case, my usual bus wouldn't be coming for 21 minutes so i took the risk and hopped on the trolly.

Guy on there was asking the other older guy about all his climbing equipment, and he was telling him about some zipline he installed way off in the woods and had been hanging around watching the sunset. he said it was the next state to the north of us, so why was he riding the trolly northward i thought. anyway. good for him, lotsa guys like that around here.

Got off at my connection and sprinted, i'm glad this one has a shelter. the screen was broken last time, leaving me completely to the whims of the transit gods. but luckily for me it had been fixed. ten minutes. i think i came out on top there, i don't feel like checking but i think overall i did better than if i had waited. less walking, too. those nine minutes home are awful after work.

sang some Malloy while waiting. you know I never like how my voice sounds in the theater, but it always sounds lovely at the bus stop. especially at night.

Goodnight. Having an anxiety today.

I think it's mainly about dropping off previous projects that I was super excited about because I've lost interest. Like I worry when I start new ones because I feel like the same thing will happen and it will be a cycle forever. But maybe it will be different this time who knows. It's something I've had in the back of my head for a lot longer than many of the projects I've dropped, and it's got more real world interaction than most of them.

Uuuuuuuh anyway I have a month to decide if I'm going to apply to lead a one-act play at a queer horror theater festival in October.