I really should be blogging more, but honestly I've just been wanting to re-vamp this page ever since i learned how to make a tab system that would let me put each month into different tabs and not have to make a whole new page just for the five times I actually remember to blog each month. BUT I will finally do it someday. Maybe this weekend. I need to blog more and not just when I'm having the Big Anxieties.

I have had a very big month, though. I took a trip to New York which was A LOT. Had thie whole moment hoping I'd meet one of my heros and then didn't. I will tell that wohle story another time because it's an absolute ride and one I think I learned a lot but two I do not feel any less manic. Did not cure the hyperfixation it just made me feel bad about it. And weird. And panic-y. Did not sleep much last night i can tell you that.

I want to make more pages here with cohesive thoughts. Like more than just collections if links and stuff but actual manifestos. The thing is, I usually keep my other website open, my proffesional portfolio one, to remind myself to work on it. Which means I have to close all the tabs and switch my account over to this one if I want to write somethign here. The other thing is, and this ties into the opening of this post, that this place is still very janky. It's a year old now, I know a lot more than I used to, and having the energy to actually fix issues gets in the way of just wanting to write out something simple. i need to make a base format, kinda like how my portfolio site has, that doesn't feel incredibly jarring. why would i tell myself i need to hold to making each shrine a unique coding experince, and not just have a default layout that i can barely tweak to creat different pages? and actually write them first and then decide if i have the energy for new coding? but then of course, i'll have to actually make that new blank template first.

recently I've been thinkin gabout writing about mending and fixing clothes. I sew, and I make a lot of the clothes I wear from scratch, but just as importantly are the ones I just keep fixing. i don't want to make jeans or cargo shorts from scratch, my machine can't handle it and my brain can't take that much top-stitching. but you know, someone made that from scratch. like, we like to imagine here in the west that everything is automated and shit, but it's really not. even the most expensive clothes we wear come from a sweatshop unless direcctly proven not to. someone sat at a sewing machine and sewed the very clothes I'm wearing right now. when we talk about machine automation, that just means we no longer have to manually weave the fabric not sew together the garment.

So I fix my shit. I'm in a vague no-buy period I suppose, I only buy clothes from artists or second-hand. being a designer myself helps me figure out how to patch stuff without it looking weird. I'm fat, my pants only rip in one place: alongside the crotch where my thighs rub together. depending on the clothes they only last two-three years before this starts to happen. so I have to figure out how to put patches there without it being obvious that the patches are just on the crotch. most visible mending tutorials don't really help you when you don't want to call attention to the one area that needs mending, even if you like the look of visibl mending in general.

i'm glad some people get rips on the cuffs or the knees and want to mend them in a visually appealing way, but some of us are fat and have thick thighs that run through clothes 10x faster!

So I have a couple solutions. On one pair of shorts I used some outdoor canvas to make a 4 inch ring that goes around the bottom of each leg. that way it covered the problem area (the inside seams) but since it goes all the way around it doesn't look like that's the issue. on another one, i'm taking another pair of pants that has been mended over and over again and reached the end of its life, and i'm layering the enture side of the pants over one side of the shorts. so it has a half and half color block look. but i overlapped the seams a little to cover the rips that were starting to form along the crotch. i'm not quite done with it yet, i think i want to do some loose machine embroidery to give it more pizzaz.

Sewing for my scratches a lot of the same itch as coding, or perhapse it's the other way around since I got into sewing first. it's taking control of your environment, refusing to take things for granted. clothes, food, furniture, websites, so many things in our lives in the US that we are told not to think about where they come from, because if you think too hard you will start caring that it's made in a sweatshop by underpaid workers. but if you just care about the things you buy and the things you take in, you realize that starting to make it yourself is only one small step after another. i'm not that great at sewing and i'm not that great at coding, who cares? I make my own website because fuck social media corporations and i sew my own clothes because fuck clothing manufacturers. and at the same time, i get to express myself, make something my own, be proud of a thing i did even if it's not incredible and amazing and groundbreaking.

so yeah, i think anyone can and should learn how to sew. I should collect some links on it if i make a full page someday. it's a survival skill, for one, but i also think it's an important excersize in not letting late-stage capitalism completely disconnect us from where our things come from. evrything around us was made by a person, why couldn't that person be us? even if it's just a little upkeep here and there. it's like finding a decent end table at goodwill and giving it a new coat of paint. doesn't take much to make something look decent, and you're saving it from the landfill, so why not do th same with clothes?

I've seen someone online who takes wool sweaters and needle-felts designs over the holes. they look amazing. I wish I had the patience for needle-felting but it's just not my thing.

I've gotten more compliments on my pants with dinosaur patches on them, the patches that were made from the scrap bin at a thrift store and probably were originally sheets but had been cut up for a quilt of some sort, the patches that i had sewn on while waiting to start another project that was in the washing machine, the patches i just did on a whim and then added more from another fabric because why not, i have gotten more compliments on those than every other piece of clothing that i've made, even ones completly from scratch. the close seconds would be my Peanuts shirt or my candyland shirt. so idk, the moral here is that if you have a decent eye for design you should just trust yourself.

What else is new? Got accepted to that theater festival I applied to two months ago! Oh boy, this is going to be a lot of work, isn't it?

I have a concert next week that I'm producing. that's right, orgaanizing, producing, made the programs, comissioned the art, arranged the venue, kept up with the musical arrangements, etc. I don't pretend i'm doing this all on my own, hell no, but it's satisfying getting to be the engine keeping everything moving forward and organized. like a train. i'm train. just keep moving. drumbeat to drumbeat, ya know?

how can the world of men have let me here, i am not that kind of man!

oh imposter syndrome, my greatest enemy. so i think you have to be a little cocky, a little overconfident. hype yourself up. i'm going to succeed because i work hard. if I don't, it won't be because i didn't work hard, it will be some other factor, and that factor may or may not be my fault. but if i work hard then i'll anticipate any major issues, so any issues that come up will be out of the blue, and then it won't be on me nearly as much when things go wrong. what was i supposed to do? i did my best, right? that's the hope. the anxiety killer. things will go right not because i deserve it but because i'm putting in the work to make sure they do.

Birthday. 22 now. old man. woohoo.

I did it! I applied to said theater festival. Took some time to make an outline & game plan, and am most of the way through a rough draft at the moment. Lets hope I don't lose steam on this one too, but i have a few months before i actually get started so I have plenty of time to take breaks and come back and re-work things and talk to friends.

Why is working in theater so hard and also expensive.

Also. Why doesn't Instagram let me do anything from desktop? Like this is seriously obnoxious. I can't post or share to my story. Or archive posts. ??? Come on Instagram why is this unuseable. At least on Facebook I could post something to my story even if I can't edit it. What's the fucking point. (The point is they want me to get the app again)

The JATCCH shrine is getting a re-do since I'm thinking about it again. I'll probably be even more excited about it if I watch the movie again, but we don't have plans yet. The issue is, anywhere I can find it streaming it only has the english dub. I don't want to watch the stupid english dub, I want to watch the original french. And I do have a pirate link for the french version, but it doesn't have subtitles. and I know it well enough to not need them, I've seen the movie a dozen times and read the book anyway, but if I want to watch it with anyone besides myself and my partner, we're stuck. kinda the same with the soundtrack, and the play. there either isn't an english version or it sucks.

They should come do a US tour. Or at least Canada. I know how people feel now when US bands don't tour worldwide.

Anyway I love Cuckoo-Clock Heart. Such a dramatic, flowery, and earnest piece of media. You have to take it seriously bc of just how much the creators are in love with it, even if it's so silly. I really want to do a stage version of it sometime, there is a play but it only incorporates a couple of the songs, the ones that are diegetic to the plot. I want a Chicago-style plot within a performance pls, I want to blur the edges of rock concert and musical. it would be so fun. the original album slaps i want to see it onstage. at least translate the french stage play. pretty please.

Why is theater so EXPENSIVE. AND I gotta get permission. or buy the rights or whatever

And as much as I love webmastery, it's not going to be my thing. this is my replacement for social media, but it can't replace my actual projects. i need to do stuff with my HANDS. with PEOPLE who are in FRONT of me. this is just. the thing I do when i can't do that. or when i like to write things down. its a balance but it can't compare to actually doing stuff. and unfortunately that doing stuff costs more than sitting at home on my computer all day.

It's cold here by the windows

Good day yesterday. Bought some treats at the gas station and they offered me the same ones, two days expired, from by the counter. for free. I said yes. they were packaged, i dont care. second thing. got spam musubi at the Hawiian resturant with my friend, they messed up cutting the first one so we got an extra half. also very good. free food is always good. had a drink at lunch, was fine by rehearsal but as soon as it was over and i was tired my legs started getting all wobbly again.

I'm trying so hard to tell myself that my bosses don't hate me, they're just busy right now, frustrated with their new shows they're working on. and then maybe i'll have more to do once they, too, have the time to slow down and work on side projects. i just want to get hired to paint and sew more, that was so calming and i was making good money. shows are fun but i'd much rather do the monotonous work, save my show energy for my own projects.

And get paid.

While waiting for THAT, i've decided to do more good turns with my energy, ya know? volunterring more with people I know who run theaters. i've got a couple volunterr usher slots lined up when i can fit them around my actual show. feels good. and i get a little something in return so i don't feel like i'm waisting my time. not that volunterring should get you something in return but. i'm broke. so i'll gladly do some work for non money rewards like seeing shows and getting free shit. or even just becoming closer with people.

I'm so fucking mad at the world for being so mean and tough. I understand Job Clown Bible now. You toss me about in the roar of the storm. I desire to argue my case with God. Gonna punch her in the fucking face.

I know I'm the tech but it feels unfair to make the person who rides the bus do the laundry after the show.

Dave Malloy was so right. God is hiding under those 88 keys and if you pound, of you don't approach the piano like a priest the communion table, you risk damning your soul and the souls of those around you. But he was also fucking wrong like, kinda a pretentious prick. Bitterly looking down at those who came to the jazz club to chat with friends. And besides, aren't half his best songs pounded out on the keys? Grendel's Death, anyone?

My phone died while I was doing laundry so I had to "rough it" that is, navigating the bus system alone. Ran up just as the trolley was pulling up so i could check the screen. i have two options, a west route and an east route. west route: one bus, 30 minutes, 9 minutes of that is the walk from the stop to my house but it's still my go-to both ways. east route. trolley and a different bus, usually a little longer but it's less walking, drops me off two blocks from my door. issue is i don't like transfers if i can help it. but in this case, my usual bus wouldn't be coming for 21 minutes so i took the risk and hopped on the trolly.

Guy on there was asking the other older guy about all his climbing equipment, and he was telling him about some zipline he installed way off in the woods and had been hanging around watching the sunset. he said it was the next state to the north of us, so why was he riding the trolly northward i thought. anyway. good for him, lotsa guys like that around here.

Got off at my connection and sprinted, i'm glad this one has a shelter. the screen was broken last time, leaving me completely to the whims of the transit gods. but luckily for me it had been fixed. ten minutes. i think i came out on top there, i don't feel like checking but i think overall i did better than if i had waited. less walking, too. those nine minutes home are awful after work.

sang some Malloy while waiting. you know I never like how my voice sounds in the theater, but it always sounds lovely at the bus stop. especially at night.

Goodnight. Having an anxiety today.

I think it's mainly about dropping off previous projects that I was super excited about because I've lost interest. Like I worry when I start new ones because I feel like the same thing will happen and it will be a cycle forever. But maybe it will be different this time who knows. It's something I've had in the back of my head for a lot longer than many of the projects I've dropped, and it's got more real world interaction than most of them.

Uuuuuuuh anyway I have a month to decide if I'm going to apply to lead a one-act play at a queer horror theater festival in October.